What Does Humanity Look Like? Part 3: Empathy
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
In the first two articles (Learning / Listening) in this three-part series, I focused on defining and finding humanity through learning about the plight of others who look different than you. I shared these articles with you because I realize that, whether I knew it or not, people are looking to me for perspective and sometimes answers. I took the time to share my view on several topics as it applies to the discussions and aftermath of George Floyd's death and the death of so many African Americans. I did this because I have a voice and a platform, and I believe it's essential to use both at this moment in time - especially if it's helpful in learning and growing.
Here's the thing, though -
For any of us to truly take a step forward, I believe it's going to require empathy from all of us. In the last week, I've also seen numerous situations where well-intended individuals were trying to show support, misspoke, miswrote, or mis-tweeted something seemingly less than educated on the subject of kneeling, #Blacklivesmatter, George Floyd or the many discussions stemming from these and other topics. That seemingly well-intended, likely uninformed, and possibly naive person was met with a ferocity that would be difficult for even the most hardened individual to survive. Some examples I've seen:
In response to people not understanding #BlackLivesMatter some well-meaning celebrities are telling people that don't "get it" to essentially "get a new life" (in a harsher tone).
Parents are being called hypocrites for supporting justice and equality for African Americans because of their kids' actions and vice-versa.
Individuals who have historically not understood the plight of African Americans now espouse support and their sincerity is being questioned.
Those same people who are asking African Americans how they can help are being told to come up with their own solutions, and if they don't like it, they can "take a hike" (again in a harsher tone).
And look, I understand all of these situations. I'll start with the last one first. As an African American, I am often asked in times like these, "how do we move forward", "what can I do", and recently, "how am I doing?" I love the questions because it indicates true interest in being part of the solution. What is often not said by the African American leader is . . .
"In sharing this information with you, I'm making myself vulnerable. You are asking me for my opinion and listening, but it's a one-way street. You aren't always opening up to me, which means that despite your well-meaning, I am the one with something to lose."
Besides, sometimes these questions are at work, which adds another layer of complexity. At work, I want to be known for the job that I perform, not how I'm feeling due to the color of my skin. And, with all that said, I still want to help you understand. All of these thoughts (and more) are happening at the same time. And depending on who the individual is, he or she has had to share their perspective as an African American in these situations, over and over. It's a lot of pressure to bear – to answer questions, to be asked for solutions for an issue that people haven't been able to solve for centuries, to be vulnerable, to be a leader on the topic of skin color and all of these things simply because of that individual has that same skin color. I'll repeat, it's a lot! Taking a moment to understand that perspective will go a long way.
The other three examples I'll lump into one big one, which is a person showing support for the cause (in this case systemic discrimination based on the color of skin in the US) and being met with vitriol, anger, doubt, and a litany of examples of their past behaviors. I get this one too. There is a common phrase, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Essentially it means, actions speak louder than words. So, when a person who has historically "turned a blind eye" to systemic discrimination, now finds themselves supporting change, many people don't believe them – so much so that they point out their past words and actions as hypocrisies. My perspective in these situations is that this cannot be how I respond. There is another phrase, "Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones." The fact of the matter is that we are all hypocrites! It just depends on the situation. We've all said or done the wrong thing and had to find a way to change or try to make it right.
Martin Luther King Jr. said:
"Hate begets hate, violence begets violence, toughness begets a greater toughness."
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
"Let no man pull you so low as to hate him."
This man had seen the worst in the world and still moved forward with love and empathy. We all have stories where we are the worst version of ourselves, but in order to move forward, we have to assume positive intent. Could it be that the person who had a change of heart last week is insincere, certainly? Is it for me to judge, certainly not! But I can take them at their word and ask for action from their newly found support and enlightenment.
It brings me to the last point of the series - finding humanity in empathy. We live in a "gotcha" society. We wait for the moment someone makes and a mistake or is at their lowest point, and we come in saying, "gotcha!" Pointing out the worst in a person at a time they want to change is dangerous. It moves a potential ally to become indifferent at best, and to an enemy at worst. Understanding the history of racism around the world is not an easy one. It won't get solved overnight and certainly won't get solved by judging one another.
But, I do believe now is the time people are learning more, really listening, and showing empathy which can lead to real change today.
The last word of this series, empathy, I think is the hardest to enact, because it requires making a genuine effort to try to put yourself in another person’s situation - as difficult as it may be. As an African American man, having empathy for a white American who now feels like (s)he is being attacked for the color of their skin alone today, should not be the "gotcha" moment to attack that individual. Rather, that moment needs to be the common ground moment on which we find our humanity. That moment is the moment to say, "That's how I feel every day, hopefully now, you understand better. Let's find a path forward together."
I know it may not be popular, but that's my dream.
Ha-Keem Abdel-Khaliq
